... those are the important things

I just want to get some thoughts out.

Several years ago I sat across the table from Chris Simpson at Le Peep's and I poured out my heart. I was in the wake of a very confusing break-up and Chris was listening to me as I pleaded my case; as I gave my reasons why it was not fair and the relationship should not have terminated.

Chris listened very well. He sympathized with my pain and understood my reasoning. After quite some time I gave him a chance to speak, wanting and maybe even expecting him to, having listened to my logic, agree with me and justify my position. He didn't. Instead he said something I will never forget:

"Randy, you have met a lot of success in your life. You know from experience that you can influence situations and with a relatively high frequency make things change to what you desire. But what you are learning this morning is that control is an illusion. There are very few things (he paused and thought a second)... maybe nothing... that we as humans actually control."

Several times in my life I've had conversations with Chris where he makes a comment and the weight of its implications mixed with the casualness with which he speaks them to me changes my course. Not just the way I think, but the way I am. This was one of them. Here are some others in case you are curious:

"Who are you? I went on a silent retreat once where that was the question we wrestled with. I didn't make it to the end of the retreat; I had to go home and talk with my wife."

"A man could go into the woods for a weekend by himself and come back a completely different person."

"Yeah, the Bible hardly talks anything about those subject.... makes you wonder if its silence is saying that they really are not that important. And that the things that Jesus says over and over... well, those are the important things."

Anyway, back to this idea that control is an illusion. Again, I'm just processing some things, trying to draw some conclusions. I welcome your input, and do not claim that what I write is what I believe.

A lot of what I think about these days has to do with leadership, especially that of men. Working with the shoe shiners has been a challenge, and as I try to determine my exact role in their lives, I have discovered that I want to see them become real men.

There are probably thousands of ways to go about doing that. I assume several are good, but several are also bad. This life is a journey, and I believe the process is oftentimes as valuable, if not more, than the end product. Coupling that with the idea that even good, pure motives don't always equal proper process, I want to think about what I'm doing.

And that brings me back to the idea of control. I think one way to develop a leader is through control. I could step into a young man's life and with his permission begin to control things, especially decisions. I set boundaries and guide him in his life. I would then have to monitor how those restrictions are being followed, and in that way develop in him certain habits.

But what if what Chris says is true? What if control is an illusion... that there is really very few things in this world that we actually can forcefully guide? What does that mean for this model? What would really be going on? That's an interesting thought... the answer to which I don't know. I'll think about it.

When I look at Jesus, I don't see that model at work. In fact, in many ways I see the opposite. I observe his disciples being allowed to do as they please. I hear Jesus' teachings as saying, "What I am teaching you is deep reality, but I'm not going to force you do it. I just want you to know what it is in case you want to give that a try."

I think I need to think about this more. But this I do know... I want to develop leaders that way Jesus did... because his leaders changed the world. I welcome your thoughts and thank you if you have read this far.