Why am I here?

This morning I got up at 3 am to go somewhere I really didn’t want to go. We have this shipment of blankets for children that we’ve needed to deliver to needy Bolivian children, but to be honest I really didn’t want to go. There is lot going on in La Paz, I feel like it is not in my ministry focus, and I just simply didn’t want to. A poor attitude.

But I went anyways. I want to support Pedro, and this is his project. Well, we had problems getting to the mining town of Llallaguas, so what should have been 6 hours on buses ended up being a combination waiting and riding that took 9 hours. Then, when we reach our destination the blankets we thought we’d sent yesterday... well, it turns out they never left La Paz!

So why am I here? I think that’s a fair question. Let me tell you a couple stories:

Without blankets to deliver, we spent the afternoon walking around this town. It is a very unique place, once the home to the largest tin mine in Bolivia. Now the mine is nearly abandoned and the new industry is education. It is a fascinating mix of fresh ideas and energetic youth overflowing the universities and sad, dying poverty left over from the mine.

We took a self tour near the mine. There we found a man by himself with a pile of rocks pounding away with a hand maul looking for tin. We stopped and talked with him and watched him work. Two things struck me. One was the loneliness of such a life. It was bad enough the difficult work this man was doing, but to do it alone seemed like a punishment straight out of the horrors of prison.

The second thing that struck me was the hopelessness of the situation. The going rate for tin is 20 Bs. per pound. I imagine this man will work 10 hours today and maybe accumulate a pound of tin. So he will take home something around $2.50 US. I think the capitalistic spirit in me made me think that there has to be something better. But I’m sure this is all he’s done his whole life, so there are no other skills he knows. And even if there were, thousands of others like him are already standing in line to get jobs. And such jobs are not really what you’d want anyways. The market is flooded with people trying to make a living, and although this is great for the consumer, the rock bottom prices make earning a living seem impossible. It is messed up.

As we walked we visited child care centers looking for places where we can deliver the blankets when they arrive. I won’t describe the places as they are simply sad and overwhelming and they broke my heart. But what really struck me were the stories I heard: families who share their father with two other families, brothels located across the street from homes full of children, a widow struggling to survive as a shepherd who lost everything she had (25 sheep) to a dog whose owner refuses to take responsibility and a justice system that won’t force him to.

Since I’ve been here in Bolivia, God has consistently taken me on such journeys where He shows me the suffering that exists around me; suffering that I can easily go days and months without noticing. This morning He drug me out of bed at 3 am to do just that. You might think I don’t like it, but I do. It makes me have to believe in a big God. It makes me remember that without God… apart from Him… I am and can do nothing. It serves to help me take my eyes off my worries and remember that the blessings God has given me are not Him showing His love for me but rather God blesses me so I can bless others. And that is what I want to do with this life.

I remember having a conversation a couple years back with a friend. I was working in a poor neighborhood in Mexico at the time and the question of the conversation was whether living in such conditions numbs our hearts to the suffering around us and therefore makes us calloused. I think I’m learning that God is the one who gives us tender hearts. Without such grace in our lives we are numb and calloused. But with His help, reminders and grace we are creatures that see this world through His eyes. And when that happens, and not before, we can actually be His hands and feet.

So why am I here? I think that’s a fair question. I think it is a little attitude check directly from God. Another chance to have my heart broken, my vision enlarged and to be changed. Thanks Dad.

... those are the important things

I just want to get some thoughts out.

Several years ago I sat across the table from Chris Simpson at Le Peep's and I poured out my heart. I was in the wake of a very confusing break-up and Chris was listening to me as I pleaded my case; as I gave my reasons why it was not fair and the relationship should not have terminated.

Chris listened very well. He sympathized with my pain and understood my reasoning. After quite some time I gave him a chance to speak, wanting and maybe even expecting him to, having listened to my logic, agree with me and justify my position. He didn't. Instead he said something I will never forget:

"Randy, you have met a lot of success in your life. You know from experience that you can influence situations and with a relatively high frequency make things change to what you desire. But what you are learning this morning is that control is an illusion. There are very few things (he paused and thought a second)... maybe nothing... that we as humans actually control."

Several times in my life I've had conversations with Chris where he makes a comment and the weight of its implications mixed with the casualness with which he speaks them to me changes my course. Not just the way I think, but the way I am. This was one of them. Here are some others in case you are curious:

"Who are you? I went on a silent retreat once where that was the question we wrestled with. I didn't make it to the end of the retreat; I had to go home and talk with my wife."

"A man could go into the woods for a weekend by himself and come back a completely different person."

"Yeah, the Bible hardly talks anything about those subject.... makes you wonder if its silence is saying that they really are not that important. And that the things that Jesus says over and over... well, those are the important things."

Anyway, back to this idea that control is an illusion. Again, I'm just processing some things, trying to draw some conclusions. I welcome your input, and do not claim that what I write is what I believe.

A lot of what I think about these days has to do with leadership, especially that of men. Working with the shoe shiners has been a challenge, and as I try to determine my exact role in their lives, I have discovered that I want to see them become real men.

There are probably thousands of ways to go about doing that. I assume several are good, but several are also bad. This life is a journey, and I believe the process is oftentimes as valuable, if not more, than the end product. Coupling that with the idea that even good, pure motives don't always equal proper process, I want to think about what I'm doing.

And that brings me back to the idea of control. I think one way to develop a leader is through control. I could step into a young man's life and with his permission begin to control things, especially decisions. I set boundaries and guide him in his life. I would then have to monitor how those restrictions are being followed, and in that way develop in him certain habits.

But what if what Chris says is true? What if control is an illusion... that there is really very few things in this world that we actually can forcefully guide? What does that mean for this model? What would really be going on? That's an interesting thought... the answer to which I don't know. I'll think about it.

When I look at Jesus, I don't see that model at work. In fact, in many ways I see the opposite. I observe his disciples being allowed to do as they please. I hear Jesus' teachings as saying, "What I am teaching you is deep reality, but I'm not going to force you do it. I just want you to know what it is in case you want to give that a try."

I think I need to think about this more. But this I do know... I want to develop leaders that way Jesus did... because his leaders changed the world. I welcome your thoughts and thank you if you have read this far.